Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
