Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
