I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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