yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
A bitchslap is in order.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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