ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I lost the right to judge tonight
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