if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
