It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
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She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
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All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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