Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
