You can't special order awesome
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
