i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
