May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Randomize
