i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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