I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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