HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
