1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
