woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
