I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
