I'm jealous of your bromance
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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