she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
We got so high we made milksteak
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Randomize
