Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
