My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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