two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
