My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
