Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
We talked him into tasing himself.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
