he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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