I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Randomize
