somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
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Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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