so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
