So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
