Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
