The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
