This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
