I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
