So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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