He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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