i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
