I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
