oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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