her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
