You can't motorboat a personality
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
