There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
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I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
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Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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