I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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