Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
