dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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