Pappa wants mamma naked
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
