Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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