just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
