There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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