you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
