every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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