I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
