WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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