i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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