I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
