I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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