Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
