Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
