I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
