Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
